Tips for Great Communication With Someone You Love 

We communicate ALL of the time. Whether by gesture, words, a glance, a touch, or an absence – we communicate to those around us.  From the moment of our birth when we had no understanding of language, we knew what those closest to us felt towards us, knew whether that so very special person was present behind the face or eyes they showed us.  Therefore, if we concentrate only on the words that are spoken we miss a huge and powerful array of communications which pass between those who are close to one another.

So when we think about communication, yes, there is the obvious – words which are spoken, written and so on, but also there is the volume, tone, statement or question, the pauses and the silence.  The look, the tilt of the head, the shape of the lips, also ‘speak volumes’.

There is also, and importantly, the intention behind the communication.  We may say words with one meaning and show a different meaning in our posture, tone or look which may more truly represent our intention.

If we want to have close and loving relationships, open, honest, congruent communication is essential. Communication skills can be learned and are invaluable.   Alongside that, we need to know what our own agenda really is when we are communicating with someone we love.  An awareness of ourselves enables us to take responsibility for our part in an exchange and to choose the intention behind a communication rather than be triggered into an unconscious one by fear, resentment or anger.

Some tips:

  • Develop the ability to have one foot in and one foot out. One ear in and one ear out. What this means is the ability to notice what is going on the ‘outside’, perhaps with your partner or in the communications between you and also what is going on inside you.  Being able to observe both and be conscious of both increases the chances of having creative, helpful communications
  • Develop a willingness to be honest about your own strengths and gifts and also your limitations
  • Make a decision to have congruent conversations which reflect what you actually feel
  • Learn to listen.  This means listening with full attention to what you are hearing rather than rehearsing what you might want to say.  Pay attention to the words and also to the body language.  Try not to interrupt or to be defensive but hear what is at the heart of what is being said
  • Ask open-ended questions to find our more about what is being communicated to you and ask closed-ended questions to increase clarification
  • Decide that if you feel strongly about something you will find a respectful way of expressing it.  The unspoken issues in a relationship can often be like the bricks in a wall that is build between you
  • If present day issues are being discussed, decide to stay in the present.  Resist bringing up issues from the past to justify your actions or feelings or to ‘confirm’ what a bad person your partner is!
  • If you realise that issues from the past have not been resolved bring them up one at a time with an attitude of seeking resolution or understanding
  • Acknowledge that an issue may need working at over time and look for patience together with tenacious respect for you and your partner in the face of difficulties you may be experiencing
  • Hold the idea of looking for a solution in mind rather than succumbing to repeating old resentments or even current day problems over and over again
  • Resist mind-reading!!  Instead of imagining that you KNOW what your partner feels or has done, ask open-ended questions.  “I know you’re angry with me” or “I just know you want to leave me” could be called mind-reading.  Instead ask “Are you angry?” or own your fears by saying something like “It feels to me like you are pulling away – are you?
  • Avoid ‘big’ words especially in the context or “You always …..” or “You never …..”  These kinds of statements are rarely true and usually unhelpful
  • Notice disrespect if it is happening. If you find yourself being, for example, scornful, take responsibility for your feelings and attitude, work out what is going on inside you and communicate that with respect.  If you notice that you are receiving persistently disrespectful communications from your partner be respectful of yourself by deciding that you want to make a firm, assertive and respectful statement to your partner requesting that they treat you differently

These tips are just a glimpse into a wide and complex area – communication – which is at the heart of all relationships.  If you were to implement them, they would greatly improve your ability to respond more and react less, to notice what is going on in inside you and with your partner, and what is happening between you, and to grow the ability to communicate with honesty, open-ness,  and respect.